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"Sibshops"
by
Judy Winter
amilies of kids with special needs face challenges,
and so do their siblings.
My daughter was in first grade when her brother
was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. I've never forgotten how Jenna's
teacher, Barb Martinson, recognized her need for extra hugs and
support during the weeks following Eric's birth. She granted Jenna
the right to take home the coveted class bunny and had classmates
write endearing cards of congratulations. Her actions helped recognize
and meet Jenna's needs, and researchers believe that's critical.
Sibshops is an award-winning program offering
siblings the opportunity to interact with others like themselves
through group meetings held in recreational settings. The program
was designed for children ages 8 to 13, but it can be adapted
for other siblings including adults.
Recreation is a vital part of the Sibshops experience.
One popular activity is Dear Aunt Blabby, which allows kids to
write letters to an advice columnist. To provide good answers,
siblings share their own experiences. These activities reduce
feelings of isolation that kids might have. To provide good answers,
siblings are expected to share their own experiences. These activities
facilitate peer-to-peer discussion and reduce isolation. Siblings
can purchase T-shirts proclaiming, "I'm Special, Too!"
and receive their own newsletter. Most Sibshops meet once or twice
monthly for four hours.
Sibshops began in Seattle, the brainchild of Donald
J. Meyer and Patricia F. Vadasy. It's part of the Sibling Support
Project, a national program dedicated to the interests of brothers
and sisters of people with special health and developmental needs.
The Web site offers a wealth of information, including the national
listing of Sibshops.
According to Meyer, director of the Sibling Support
Project, most children with special needs have siblings. Meyer
writes that the concerns most often raised by these siblings are:
- A sense of isolation.
- Feelings of guilt and resentment.
- Increased care-giving demands.
- Concerns about the future.
- The perceived pressure to achieve academically
and athletically.
Research shows that siblings should be part of
the overall planning for families of children with special needs,
because they often have the longest-lasting relationship with
those children. Because of intense family demands, siblings often
possess higher levels of maturity and a greater sense of compassion
than their peers.
For both of our children, we've made homework
a priority and shown enthusiastic support for their achievements.
We have similar expectations and discipline for both of them,
while supporting their extracurricular activities. We want both
children to have rich memories that include unconditional love,
tolerance and problem solving skills, not a legacy of guilt, resentment
and emotional injury. Those choices aren't always easy.
I remember returning home late many nights after hours in intensive-care
units, desperate for sleep. But my daughter's need to express
her sense of loss and anger over having a brother with special
needs always took priority. These emotional exchanges often ended
with hugs and laughter and tear-stained faces. We had to learn
to handle these moments well, and that's one of the things that
Sibshops can help families do.
"Thanks to Sibshops, brothers and sisters
are helped to learn about the full range and depth of their feelings,"
writes Thomas H Powell, dean of the School of Education at Winthrop
University. "They learn to handle situations in positive
ways. They learn about their parents. They learn that they are
not alone, and they learn about their love."
These are priceless gifts I hope I've given my
daughter, now 17. In just one short year, Jenna will leave for
college, another powerful reminder of how easily the demands of
our daily lives can steal away precious moments with our children.
This column first appeared in the July 26, 1999 edition of the
Lansing State Journal. It is reprinted by permission.
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